We Have To Talk

Difficult conversations usually arise because:
– I’m not doing something you want me to do.
– I’m doing something that you would prefer me not to be doing.
– You’re doing something I don’t want you to be doing.
– You’re not doing something that I would like you to be doing.

If we look into it we will find that we are living by one of two formulas. Depending on which one is operating in our life we will have two very different approaches to difficult conversations.

Formula 1. What is going on? How do I feel?
Here everything revolves around attempting to maintain the world ‘outside’ of me to be a certain way so that I can feel OK. Here we act based on what is happening around us, first asking ‘How does this make me feel?’ followed by ‘What do I need to do to keep things as I need them to be?’ In fact we work very hard to create the right outside so as to feel safe, peaceful, loved, happy,content, etc.

This formula is the one that is currently predominant in the world, for example, consider how the advertising and entertainment industries attract us. The ‘problem‘ though is that there are some things in life that are just ‘out of our control’ and this is when living by this formula can lead us into depression and anger. We find ourselves living like a ping-pong ball or an addict (in the sense of being addicted to fixing something so that I can feel OK). Whilst I live by this formula someone or something else owns my happiness.

If someone loving by formula 1 says ‘We have to talk’ there is the implication that one of the four scenarios listed at the top of this piece is going on. Some sort of injustice, imbalance or unmet needs is in play, something needs fixing.

Formula 2. How do I feel? Now what is going on?
Now I am working from the inside out. Now ‘I feel as I feel’ no matter what is going on outside, then I see what is needed and how to best respond. I am no longer dependent on the ‘outside’ situation to be such in order for me to feel safe, peaceful, loved, happy, content, etc. This does beg the question though of: how do I feel?

Do I know how I truly feel inside?
If you were told you that your fundamental nature is peace, love, happiness, contentment and purity would you say: Sure, but that isn’t how I feel! If we are not experiencing this it is probably because we are living by formula 1. To experience this we need to move into living by formula 2.

Take time out to sit quietly and reflect on these qualities:
Peace = stability. Do I meet you feeling stable?
Love = connection. Do I feel I have a connection with you? Am I allowing myself to be connected?
Happiness = harmony. Does it help if I turn up to a difficult conversation with my own general disharmony?
Contentment = awareness and appreciation. Can I move into difficult conversations with self-awareness and appreciation?
Purity = reality or authenticity. How honest am I being? How honest are you?

‘We have to talk’ and formula 2, now I come to the conversation with self-respect and with respect for you and see it is a chance to emerge my true spiritual nature.