The Foundational Relationship

The Foundational RelationshipDo you look for depth in your relationships? Do they feel a bit superficial? Have you tried being more caring, forgiving or being a better listener and yet you still feel that there isn’t that depth? Why is this? Has anyone told you before that our first relationship is with ourselves?

Not knowing our own depth, we turn up in relationships with all our baggage from the past – our anxieties, guilt, regrets, disappointments and sorrow. Our relationships with others can deeply change when we put our baggage down. Why? We then create space for our inner qualities of peace, love, joy, wisdom and authenticity to emerge and grow. We are now able to turn up in an unencumbered and genuine way.

What can we do to enable ourselves to experience and emerge our inner qualities?

  1. Be curious about who you are behind the roles and parts you play and about what your innate qualities might be and feel like. Take a quality and sit quietly and reflect and meditate on it.
  2. Observe how you try to spark, for instance, happiness or peace inside yourself by doing this or that, and how it only lasts temporarily. Whatever you are trying to spark is your natural quality, so see if you can re-discover and emerge it from within.
  3. Practise gratitude on a daily basis. This puts us in a more positive state. Have you noticed that the more positive you are, the more you are naturally calmer, empathic, caring and able to tolerate others’ quirks?
  4. Become clear about your values. A good question to ask is: What do I value in others? Respectfulness, honesty, lightness…? Another clue is, that when we do something against our values, we feel uncomfortable. When we know our values and start living by them it becomes clear when to say ‘no’ and when to say ‘yes.’
  5. Be kind to yourself, understand that this is a journey and so be patient, rather than beating yourself up for not getting it right every time. A seed needs time and nurturing to grow, not hammering.

In relationships with others:

  • See yourself as a professional relationship builder. This empowers us and gives us a different focus when interacting with others.
  • Watch out for mixing caring and controlling. Caring is to let others make their own decisions, even if you know it is the ‘wrong’ one, and still support them through it.
  • If it feels like a fight is about to happen, employ SOS. Stand back and re-centre. Observe what is happening without judgement. Steer the conversation into a more secure place. Sometimes seeing things through the other’s eyes helps us to understand the situation, or maybe it is our own expectations or wrong assumptions.

Life is about relationships. Relationships create belonging. Our relationship with our self is the foundation on which all our other relationships are built. When we are centred in our essence there is an underlying stability and calm that becomes the backdrop for all our relationships. There is a natural charisma and confidence. Once we discover who we are the rich relationships can truly flourish.

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