Why does the the quality of our relationship not stay the same?
Attitude of gratitude: the appreciation we have for people with whom we are in relationship with dissolves towards the end. Our whole focus shifts to the negative and we get locked onto that. We need to recognize that they have become new and feedback that to them, show our appreciation because everybody changes. When appreciation is gone you are neither living in the present nor future. Then you try to change the other person and it doesn’t work. How do you feel when someone tries to change you? Ask yourself when you do this: Do I want this change for the benefit of the other person or for myself? We can encourage them, inspire them, create atmosphere and space in which they feel safe to change but we can’t change them.
We can change our nature and focus by giving attention to what we want to see.
Practice: Start with thinking of three qualities that you need to introduce into your relationships: may be tolerance, cooperation, respect, etc. For the period of one month make that your focus so that in every relationship you are taking the opportunity to practice and explore them. Hold them right at the front. You have created that natural quality in you because you have taken the steps of using them. Even if you aren’t successful at using that quality in the first try, next time you will do it better. When I have done it once, that means that I can do it again. Whether I choose to do it is up to me. You will forget so keep reminding yourself. Play it like a game. It is fun. Playing games is natural to us, there is no forcing of ourselves.
How well do you know yourself?
Relationships with others are a mirror of my relationship with myself. When someone challenges me and I feel uncomfortable, I push it back to them – blame them – because I feel uncomfortable and can’t deal with it. I am passing by an opportunity to grow. That person triggered something inside. I can use that as a mirror and check myself. For example, in a moment of blinding anger you are seeing down a very narrow tunnel, it totally dominates your mind. Don’t give away your energy. Stop and listen. Then you will see the other person’s pain. Reducing our emotional response opens the window wider. When I am emotionally involved, that is the degree to which the window is closed. It isn’t right to suppress the energy; you need to let that out. Play football, etc. Over time you can look at where it came from. Recognize that everything that comes to me comes to show me something. If I find what I need to replace my anger, etc. with I use that quality for a month. It takes time and experimenting. First, experiment in less challenging situations. Gain the confidence by doing.
Ask yourself: Why is this coming? How do I use this quality differently, what do I replace my anger, etc. with? A lot of selflessness is required. Selflessness and ego are opposites. Everything is an opportunity to learn. What type of energy is it that I want to express? What can I constantly offer in my relationships?
What actually limits my level of improvement is what is going on in my mind, the critical mind. I need to create the perfect relationship with myself. To constantly maintain self respect I need to have a relationship with my perfect self –the spirit or the soul that naturally has all the positive qualities in it. If I am not able to go inside and find them my relationship with myself won’t be there. If I rely on others for respect and they deny it me, I am lost.
The attitude of ‘You first’: Being constantly stable in the state of self respect I have no attitude of ego or insult, those with humility will give happiness to everyone. At the same time, I hold onto my own rights so that it is clear where I am coming from, but not in a forceful way.
To manage others takes strength, to manage the self takes true power.
